New way of thinking

I guess the title of this post should be "getting back to the appropriate way of thinking". I thought about it today, and almost all of the ramblings of this blog have had a negative spin on them. I need to apologize for that ... especially to God. I have had random thoughts today about the things I'm thankful for ...

1. Driving to work in the rain, having a hard time seeing out the front window... I have a well-running car and windshield wipers that work well.
2. Walking in to work, in the rain ... I have a good paying job, working with people I enjoy!
3. Smelling the fresh coffee ... my senses are working well!
4. Tasting the fresh coffee ... another sense that's working well!
5. Laughing with my co-workers ... the ability to laugh and have fun at work!
6. Not finding a parking space up close to Wal-Mart ... thankful for being able to walk to the store and not need to park in a handicapped spot.
7. Reading Facebook posts about those that have lost loved ones ... thankful that I have healthy children and grandchildren I can love and spoil!
8. Hearing snoring some nights ... SO EXTREMELY THANKFUL that I have a husband that loves me and that he has such a heart for God and ministry!    

This list is going to continue to build. I am committing to have a more positive attitude - about life in general. I have way too much to be thankful for to spend my time feeling sorry for myself or griping! 

So - here's my new commitment to anyone that cares ... I vow to have a more positive attitude ... if you hear me with a bad attitude - tell me to go sit on the edge of my bed and "get an attitude adjustment". If my 4 1/2 year old grandson can make an adult decision like that, I can handle it!!!

life

Life.

So we've been traveling every weekend to Alpena so Paul can speak there. I may or may not have mentioned this earlier. This past weekend, Paul wasn't feeling real on top of it. He's been having lots of the seizure activity (non-convulsive). He's exhausted after having one, so to have several in a short period of time totally wipes him out. He slept in the car and we stopped at Turkey Roost on the way up for dinner. He kept falling asleep while eating and actually choked on his food! I'm not sure if it was the seizures that closed off his throat or if he fell asleep and didn't chew his food enough. Either way - it was very scary!

He preached Sunday morning and then slept most of the way home Sunday afternoon. He's been stressing because he isn't able to provide financially like he wants. I keep trying to tell him that I am not bothered by that and that we are in this together. But, he keeps saying that my plan had to been to retire early so I could spend time with my grandkids, and now that can't happen. He blames himself for everything! I just wish I knew how to help him and convince him that I don't blame him and that this is a partnership. God help me to know what to say!

John & Bec are for sure moving. They have had several come see the house and have had a few fill out applications to lease it for 1 year. There are a few young families that have come by, so that would be so nice to have someone like that rent from them. If the one family rents it, they will be moving in 5 days from now! John & Bec will live with us until they move south. That will be nice! :)

Rachel had a job interview that looks pretty promising. When she left the interview, they set her up for a second interview. They talked to her about training and when that would all take place, so it sounds really good! Jacob told her he and God talked about it and she's going to get the job so she doesn't have to worry!

Life goes on ... things happen we can't control ... bad things happen to good people ...  I guess it's more in the way we handle the bad things that happen and the things that we can't control that counts. Everyone has bad things happen to them - everyone has good things happen to them. God, please help me to handle things one day at a time. Help me to not freak out over bad things that happen and things out of my control. Help me to be strong when I need to be strong, and to lean on you in my weakness (which seems more often than not!)

Life.

and more transition ...

So, it looks like John & Bec may have to move.  The work isn't enough up here to take care of their financial needs.  Rip my heart out!  It's hard enough having one (two) of my kids out of state, but if another family moves ... and takes 2 (soon to be 2) grandkids, that's going to be way too hard.  I know we were never promised that life would be easy, but sometimes I feel like saying "come on now ... this is about enough!"  We will have Jake & Rachel here, which is what will keep me from going absolutely nuts! I don't know what I'll do if I don't hear "Nana ... NAN" being yelled out the neighbors window.  And it's not going to cut it if the new neighbors yell out the window at me ... it just won't be the same.

transition

So, too much pt 2 I wrote in June, but didn't realize until today that I hadn't posted it.  So much has happened.

Paul's doing pretty well. It seems like if it's not one thing - it's another! We are going from one appointment to another, one specialist to another, one prognosis to another. All we end up with is lots of appointments, lots of theories, lots of bills, and not much energy.

Bec's appointment went well - she didn't need to have a biopsy done. Sarah was checked for the breast cancer gene - she doesn't have it - PRAISE THE LORD! Bec's Dr. said if Sarah doesn't have the gene, chances are very good that Bec won't have it either. We don't have to hold our breath, waiting for test results! I know things can happen that are expected or explained, but for the most part, she's clear.

Transition ... that seems to be the word of the year, month, week, day, and hour. It's been quite awhile since I've written. We don't have internet at home, so my time to blog has been limited.

• My boss of 12 years retired.
• My new boss has been a friend for years. The transition hasn't been bad - a few little glitches here and there, but nothing too earth-shattering.
• Sarah has taken trips all over the globe. She's gone to India, Cambodia, Israel, Paris, Jerusalem ... I'm sure I'm forgetting someplace. Her transition to work with Wellspring has been good. I think that's more where her heart and passion are.
• Rachel found out she was pregnant! We were all so excited, but quickly problems started to show up ... spotting, much discomfort. She had one appointment after another. She was told she was losing the baby one week, and the next week, told everything was ok.  She came down for annual conference. On July 8, she miscarried - which was also her birthday. We decided she was going to change her birthday to her actual due date - July 28.  I feel so bad for her - I'm glad they were down here for the weekend. We spent a lot of time crying, hugging, praying - so glad they were here. 
• Bec found out she's pregnant! She found out just after Rachel miscarried, so that led to tension and frustration for the two of them for a little bit.  We're so excited for a new little baby ... and hoping for a girl.  Johnny called the baby Buzz in front of the Dr, so now that's the baby's name until they find out what they are having. 
• Paul has been speaking at Alpena FMC since September 11.  He spoke at Faith FM in August once.  We've enjoyed going up north for the weekend, and speaking has been great for him. He's being affirmed by the congregation, and I think it gives him confidence that he will be able to get back at it full time. I'm sure praying he can.  We have this weekend off - if will be nice to get some things done around the house (laundry, cleaning, etc.) and have a little down time.  The congregation at Alpena are great! They have accepted us with open arms and make us feel so welcome. If it wasn't such a long trip (over 3 hrs), I think Paul would commute!!
• My parents sold their house and moved in to an senior adult apartment complex. It's a really great place - I think they're going to be very happy.  Mom has hip replacement surgery on Tuesday. I don't like that she's having that done, but there's really no choice.

The boys are as amazing as always. I love hearing "Nana ..." on the other end of the phone. They make me smile just to think of them. Rach or Bec will have one of the boys call (or come over) if they know we're dealing with something stressful. That just seems to help take the pressure off.

We don't know what our future is going to look like. Paul wants so badly to be back in a church. He feels very useless and unnecessary right now. I try to encourage him as much as I can, and I know the girls do too, but it's difficult for him. I'm concerned about him and his well-being if things can't straighten up enough that he can at least work part-time. The churches where he'd enjoy being on staff are over an hour away from our house. That means a lot of travel for him to go up during the week. If we didn't have our house, it wouldn't be an issue.  But, we didn't have a choice but to purchase a house. We were put in a position of having to be out of one house and into another, so we made that move. We knew it wouldn't be permanent, but we thought we might be able to hang on for a bit. Things changed and we found ourselves in need of finding our own housing. Since at that time, Paul wasn't doing real well, we were looking for permanent housing, not moving into an apartment or something. I don't regret purchasing our house, but now that things are starting to look up a bit, it is limiting us. I guess I'm looking at it wrong - it's not limiting us - we're just not able to see the next chapter to know what's coming up.

too much ... pt 2

Paul's appointment with the ENT went well.  He did a scope (a small tube down his nose - yuck!) of Paul's vocal chords and said they looked good and acted like they should.  Paul asked if working in the yard and garden could cause the problem. The ENT said no - that if that was the case, there would be residual dirt on his vocal chords.  The Dr said he knew the oncologist was wanting him to check for possible cancer, and that everything looked good.  He did say he would recommend to the oncologist that Paul have an upper scope done and to check his esophagus ... Paul's grandfather died of esophegial cancer - not a great thought. Paul's biological dad passed away at the age of 28 from leukemia, so he does have a family history of cancer.

Bec had her appointment with the surgeon yesterday. There is a lump that is not showing up on the mammogram ultrasound, but everyone can feel.  So, he had to biopsy it - but he couldn't do a needle biopsy because he was't sure where it was.  He had to use an instrument with like tweezer's at the end and just kept grabbing pieces of it. Bec said the instrument was about the diameter of an eraser from a pencil!  Poor kid!!!  Next Tuesday she goes to the hospital for an ultrasound/biopsy of the other lumps that did show up.

It's all just too much to understand and deal with!!!  God - help me be a supportive mother and wife.

too much to comprehend

It's been almost 2 months since I wrote anything.  A lot has happened in that time.

Paul has continued to lose weight - so far 80 pounds since October.  Dr. has ordered several tests, etc. to try and figure out the cause.  He's seen a kidney specialist, internist, neurologist.... he's had a colonoscopy and scope; lots of blood work done and lots of Dr visits.  The kidney specialist (bless his heart - said with a sarcastic tone) said the ct and ultrasound of Paul's kidney showed a tumor.  I talked ot him and asked what he suspected the tumor was. He was "if it's a tumor, we call it cancer. If it's cancer, it's a tumor".  So I flat out asked - are you saying he has kidney cancer.  His response was "yes" and said we needed to have an ultrasound and ct of Paul's liver.  We went back to our primary Dr before the liver tests ... he was FURIOUS that the specialist would make a determination like that without having any physical proof.  So, the day of the ct and ultrasound, the Dr of Radiology came in to talk to Paul.  He said there was nothing in his kidney and a simple cyst or two in his liver.  They would not do surgery on that cyst.  We were so happy with that news, we couldn't believe the weight that was off our shoulders.

Sarah and Nathan were coming home for Memorial Day weekend, so Sarah was here for the Dr visits and test results.  That was so nice to have that news with her here.

All the kids were here for the weekend and we had an amazing time.  We spent the whole time as a whole family.  We went to a park in Bay City that had a great kids play place.  We took tons of pictures and had so much fun.  We made great memories that day!

Our primary Dr said he wasn't satisfied with the weight loss and not figuring out what's causing the problem.  He also said Paul's anemic, so he wanted us to go see an oncologist/hematologist because of the anemia.  We saw that Dr this morning and he is wanting lots of tests run, including a ct of Paul's chest.  Paul's had a raspy voice the last couple of weeks, so tomorrow we're going to an ENT to see if there's something there causing any of the problems.  The oncologist didn't say anything about the anemia - he was very concerned about the weight loss.

In the meantime with all this going on, Paul's been so ready to go back to work ... he's going crazy!  He does not feel released from his call to the ministry and wants so badly to be back at it.  He's not feeling like his reputation is speaking for itself, but that people are letting the last two years carry more weight than the 25 previous years.  So, he's been feeling disappointed and undervalued.

I was more concerned with what the oncologist didn't say that what he did.  He didn't talk about anemia at all - like that wasn't even on the records as an issue. He was pretty firm that he wanted all the blood work and tests done ASAP.  In less than a week, 1 test will be run and we will have visited the ENT.  The ENT ... if he didn't expect it was something connected to the weight loss or possibly cancer, why would he want us to go there so quickly?  If he thought the raspy voice was just because of allergies, etc., I would think he would have said that Paul should follow up with an ENT to check out the problem.

I'm very concerned at this point.  I'm trying to have a positive attitude and not think the worst, but it's hard with everything else going on.

Bec is meeting with the surgeon tomorrow to biopsy the lumps she has.  She's feeling uptight about that - understandably so.  Rachel's not feeling well --- heat, asthma, and allergies don't go well together.  Sarah is leaving Monday for Paris/Israel for 10 days.

random thoughts

The last few days have been ... conflicting I guess.  I've been thinking a lot about our son, Jonathan.  He was born 4 weeks early and died after 16 hours.  I had watched an episode of Army Wives.  Jeremy had been killed in Afganistan.  It was an emotional show, to say the least. I was grieving for what we never got to have with Jonathan - what we missed. I learned a long time ago that it doesn't do any good to question God, and this situation is no different.  But, I do still wonder what life would have been like had Jonathan lived.  How our lives would have been different. Rachel was born 14 months later. If he had lived, we would not have had another child so quickly. Don't get me wrong - I don't understand why it all happened, but I wouldn't trade any of my girls for anything! They are amazing women of God that I learn to love and appreciate more every day.

When all 3 girls got married, I couldn't help but think if they had a brother what part he would have played in their weddings.  Knowing my family like I do, I think he would have had a good sense of humor, probably been musical, he would LOVE sports! I also know he would have been very protective of his sisters.  That's one thing that I really miss.  Not that the girls needed protecting, but he would have been watching out or them. He had red hair and probably would have been fairly tall.

There are many things in life that we have no control over, no matter how hard we try.  I know that.
I had no control over having gestational diabates.  That's what caused my kids to be born early and have under-developed lungs.  That's what caused Jonathan to not live more than 16 hours.  I had no control over Paul needing to have surgery.  He HAD to have the surgery.  If he hadn't had surgery and he fell wrong or was in an accident or just twisted wrong, he could have been instantly paralyzed. I have no control over the side effects he's had. No matter how hard I try, I can't change what we're going through right now.

I guess what I have to truly believe in all this is that God has had a plan from the beginning. It's easy to say, but to really believe it is another thing.  For years, I would cry out to God, asking Him why He allowed our son to die. Not that I doubted His plan or will, but just wanting to understand why.  I still have a hard time every year at Mother's Day.  That's when Jonathan was born, so it's a mixed emotion holiday for me. Now I often cry out to God and ask Him the same why question about Paul. I don't know that I will ever get it. But ... I have to believe that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, and that God sees the big picture. He sees what we don't see and knows what we don't know. I may never get the answer to my why questions about Jonathan or Paul. I don't have to get the answer. I just have to continue to believe that my God is a God of love, and compassion.  When I cry over Jonathan or Paul, I know he's crying too.  The world is full of sin - that's not how God planned it to be.  But human desires took over and ... bang - sin!  Because of that, bad things happen to good people.  Because of that, we have death, sickness, disease, sin ...  I could hold a grudge against God for what has happened and is happening to our family.  But, what good would that do? How do you get back at God if you think he's done something wrong? If I walk away from him and don't stay in touch with him - who am I hurting? It's not like defriending someone on facebook or taking their number our of your phone.  Ignoring or walking away from God only ends up hurting me! I can't imagine my life without God.

So, in God's "big picture" plan, my little family has a definite place.  We don't know why we are here or what God's plan is, but I do know that we are to do our best to be the people God wants us to be - the people he created us to be.  People that love Him, and love others.  He doesn't expect us to not hurt over the things that happen in our lives, but he does want to be there to help us.  If I grieve, I KNOW he grieves too. That's somehow comforting to me. It's not like he's up there just playing with people's emotions. He does love all of us and wants our love in return.

random again

By the way ... I don't proof anything here. I'm justing typing as fast as my fingers can go and I don't go back and read or proof what I've written.  As it comes out of my heart and mind, it goes to my fingers and the computer keys.

The election was Saturday, and my friend was elected.  We didn't expect it to go any differently than it did.

This is what I put on facebook. Just summing up what's been happening.

As most of you know, my husband Paul had neck surgery over two years ago. Since then, he's had many complications and it has all left him on permanent disability. He was a pastor and had to give up his passion - what he loved to do. He was having what the Dr called epileptic non-convulsive seizures. Because of this, Paul wasn't able to drive. We've been asking God what Paul was supposed to do now. He's only 52 and wasn't ready to be done with ministry. He started with a migraine about 5 days ago and yesterday morning, he was having the seizure activity all morning. I called the neurologist and they wanted to see him yesterday afternoon. As Paul explained what happened during the seizures, the Dr said if Paul could remember what happened and explain it, then he didn't have a seizure! I said that's how all of them have been.  So, since September, the Dr said Paul shouldn't drive because of the seizure-like activity. Yesterday, he said unless Paul is blacking out, he can drive.  He's having migraine induced seizures - not epileptic non-convulsive seizures!! In the Dr's defense, Paul has mentioned a few times about not being sure if he passed out or what happened, but that he kind of "came to" and wasn't sure what had happened.  I told him if he didn't fall over, then he probably fell asleep. One thing he's been dealing with is extreme exhaustion. He very easily falls asleep, at any point.  So, when Paul tells the Dr he’s not sure if he blacked out, the Dr is thinking epileptic non-convulsive seizures.  Now that the Dr knows what’s really happening during the seizures, the type is changed.  The migraines he’s had the last few days are due to the wonderful Michigan weather and the stress of life as we know it today!  J 

This is a HUGE answer to prayer. Paul is able to drive and feel like he has more freedom and options for the future.  Please continue to pray that he will get stronger each day, that the migraines will decrease, and that we continue to seek God’s will for our lives.

Continuing

Work has been VERY busy, getting ready for a special sitting of conference on Saturday.  It's for the election of the new Superintendent. I think I'm having trouble with this because there have been SO many changes in our lives the last two years ...
Paul surgery - Feb 12, 2009
Ryan born!!  :) - March, 2009
Realizing Paul's physical, mental, and emotional limitations after surgery
Taking 1 month break from Sr. Pastor at church that turned into 6 months - June, 2009-December 2009
Realizing Paul would not be able to return as Sr. Pastor which had a trickle-down affect on many other things in our lives
Johnny born!! :) - October, 2010
Moved out of parsonage and into temporary housing - January, 2010
Sarah resigned - February, 2010
Purchased property - April, 2010
Purchased home - April, 2010
Sarah & Nathan re-aquainted
Sarah moves to Atlanta - May, 2010
Sarah & Nathan get engaged - July, 2010
MANY Dr appointments, tests, exams - ongoing
Moved into house December 4, 2010!! FINALLY
Nathan & Sarah wedding - Jan, 2011
Michigan reception - March, 2011

At some point in there, Social Security determined that Paul is permanently disabled.  This was a good news/bad news deal. We're glad they approved his application. We were told it could take up to two years, and within 6 months, they approved it. The bad news on this is it was kind of a slap in the face for Paul, to know that as things are right now, he won't be able to go back to work...doing the job he has LOVED for over 25 years ... doing the job he felt God directed him towards ... It's the thing he prepared for and has loved doing. Now he's in a state of "what do I do now?"

Back to the list of changes ... Dan, my boss and good friend, will be leaving in July. I think part of what is making it so hard is that he is a good friend. I have enjoyed working for him for 12 years! We have a great working relationship and have no issues. I'll be getting a new boss ... someone I've known for years and feel very comfortable with, but when there's change in personnel, other changes will take place too. I don't know what all that will mean, but things can't stay the same - they are two different people, so there's no way another person could step in and NOT have changes.

Paul spent the day Monday with a very good friend. One of the things the friend told us is that if he hadn't known Paul pre-surgery, he wouldn't know there was an issue. "We can't see the forest for the trees." We see Paul's progress every day and sometimes it feels like he's doing very well ... making 10 steps forward.  Other days, it seems like he takes 5 steps back and 1 step forward. There aren't many days when it feels like he didn't make any progress - I'm very thankful for that.

Sometimes I feel like I've lost my best friend in this mess. He's still the same person, but personality wise, there are differences. It took quite awhile for him to get his "gift" of sarcasism back...believe it or not, we were all really glad when it came back. That was one sure sign he was coming back. Sometimes as we talk, I know the thoughts are getting all jumbled up in his head and he can't get them out right. That frustrates him and as he gets frustrated, he starts to have trouble speaking clearly and gets more confused. I try to be patient and let him work it through, but the partner in me wants to help him finish his sentence, so he can stop struggling. I love him with all my heart and it absolutely kills me to see him going through this.

The Beginning

I'm doing this more for myself than anyone else. In fact, I almost hope no one else reads this. This is straight from my heart (hence the blog name).  I'm sure there are days when I'm going to be frustrated, sad, possibly angry...this is my "venting" spot.  I'm sure this is going to be pretty random, but that's ok. It's for me, from my heart anyway!

I don't know what to expect from this, but I'm hoping it will be a good therapy for me. I haven't had many places to freely talk through what's going on in our lives. I've always been a private person and have had a hard time sharing with others what's going on inside of me.  I was brought up never whining about my problems ... not because it wasn't allowed - we just didn't do that. I grew up with 3 brothers and 3 sisters in a very loving, Christian home. My parents are great - great examples of godly people, of godly parents, godly grandparents. They are my role models and I love them dearly! I'm the youngest of 4 girls and #5 out of 7 kids, so I'm the youngest and middle all at the same time!! We grew up being at church whenever the doors were open - we were one of the first ones there and one of the last ones to leave. I asked Jesus into my heart when I was very young and always have known that He loves me and is there for me.

Paul and I met when we were in 4th grade. He had a dream that we were going to get married and had his sister call me and see if I remembered him.  I didn't!  Oh well ... that didn't change the course of our future together.  The summer before our senior year in high school, we met again at Covenant Cove Camp - we were both counselors. We started dating each other that summer and were engaged the following summer. We were married in November of 1978 and we're still together!!  :)

Well, I need to stop for tonight. It's been an emotional day and I don't think I can take going into anything that's going to be emotional tonight!!!

God - I love you and want to serve you better than I have in the past! You're my strength, my comforter, my healer, my support, my everything. Help me to be worthy of You!