The last few days have been ... conflicting I guess. I've been thinking a lot about our son, Jonathan. He was born 4 weeks early and died after 16 hours. I had watched an episode of Army Wives. Jeremy had been killed in Afganistan. It was an emotional show, to say the least. I was grieving for what we never got to have with Jonathan - what we missed. I learned a long time ago that it doesn't do any good to question God, and this situation is no different. But, I do still wonder what life would have been like had Jonathan lived. How our lives would have been different. Rachel was born 14 months later. If he had lived, we would not have had another child so quickly. Don't get me wrong - I don't understand why it all happened, but I wouldn't trade any of my girls for anything! They are amazing women of God that I learn to love and appreciate more every day.
When all 3 girls got married, I couldn't help but think if they had a brother what part he would have played in their weddings. Knowing my family like I do, I think he would have had a good sense of humor, probably been musical, he would LOVE sports! I also know he would have been very protective of his sisters. That's one thing that I really miss. Not that the girls needed protecting, but he would have been watching out or them. He had red hair and probably would have been fairly tall.
There are many things in life that we have no control over, no matter how hard we try. I know that.
I had no control over having gestational diabates. That's what caused my kids to be born early and have under-developed lungs. That's what caused Jonathan to not live more than 16 hours. I had no control over Paul needing to have surgery. He HAD to have the surgery. If he hadn't had surgery and he fell wrong or was in an accident or just twisted wrong, he could have been instantly paralyzed. I have no control over the side effects he's had. No matter how hard I try, I can't change what we're going through right now.
I guess what I have to truly believe in all this is that God has had a plan from the beginning. It's easy to say, but to really believe it is another thing. For years, I would cry out to God, asking Him why He allowed our son to die. Not that I doubted His plan or will, but just wanting to understand why. I still have a hard time every year at Mother's Day. That's when Jonathan was born, so it's a mixed emotion holiday for me. Now I often cry out to God and ask Him the same why question about Paul. I don't know that I will ever get it. But ... I have to believe that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, and that God sees the big picture. He sees what we don't see and knows what we don't know. I may never get the answer to my why questions about Jonathan or Paul. I don't have to get the answer. I just have to continue to believe that my God is a God of love, and compassion. When I cry over Jonathan or Paul, I know he's crying too. The world is full of sin - that's not how God planned it to be. But human desires took over and ... bang - sin! Because of that, bad things happen to good people. Because of that, we have death, sickness, disease, sin ... I could hold a grudge against God for what has happened and is happening to our family. But, what good would that do? How do you get back at God if you think he's done something wrong? If I walk away from him and don't stay in touch with him - who am I hurting? It's not like defriending someone on facebook or taking their number our of your phone. Ignoring or walking away from God only ends up hurting me! I can't imagine my life without God.
So, in God's "big picture" plan, my little family has a definite place. We don't know why we are here or what God's plan is, but I do know that we are to do our best to be the people God wants us to be - the people he created us to be. People that love Him, and love others. He doesn't expect us to not hurt over the things that happen in our lives, but he does want to be there to help us. If I grieve, I KNOW he grieves too. That's somehow comforting to me. It's not like he's up there just playing with people's emotions. He does love all of us and wants our love in return.
No comments:
Post a Comment