random thoughts

The last few days have been ... conflicting I guess.  I've been thinking a lot about our son, Jonathan.  He was born 4 weeks early and died after 16 hours.  I had watched an episode of Army Wives.  Jeremy had been killed in Afganistan.  It was an emotional show, to say the least. I was grieving for what we never got to have with Jonathan - what we missed. I learned a long time ago that it doesn't do any good to question God, and this situation is no different.  But, I do still wonder what life would have been like had Jonathan lived.  How our lives would have been different. Rachel was born 14 months later. If he had lived, we would not have had another child so quickly. Don't get me wrong - I don't understand why it all happened, but I wouldn't trade any of my girls for anything! They are amazing women of God that I learn to love and appreciate more every day.

When all 3 girls got married, I couldn't help but think if they had a brother what part he would have played in their weddings.  Knowing my family like I do, I think he would have had a good sense of humor, probably been musical, he would LOVE sports! I also know he would have been very protective of his sisters.  That's one thing that I really miss.  Not that the girls needed protecting, but he would have been watching out or them. He had red hair and probably would have been fairly tall.

There are many things in life that we have no control over, no matter how hard we try.  I know that.
I had no control over having gestational diabates.  That's what caused my kids to be born early and have under-developed lungs.  That's what caused Jonathan to not live more than 16 hours.  I had no control over Paul needing to have surgery.  He HAD to have the surgery.  If he hadn't had surgery and he fell wrong or was in an accident or just twisted wrong, he could have been instantly paralyzed. I have no control over the side effects he's had. No matter how hard I try, I can't change what we're going through right now.

I guess what I have to truly believe in all this is that God has had a plan from the beginning. It's easy to say, but to really believe it is another thing.  For years, I would cry out to God, asking Him why He allowed our son to die. Not that I doubted His plan or will, but just wanting to understand why.  I still have a hard time every year at Mother's Day.  That's when Jonathan was born, so it's a mixed emotion holiday for me. Now I often cry out to God and ask Him the same why question about Paul. I don't know that I will ever get it. But ... I have to believe that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, and that God sees the big picture. He sees what we don't see and knows what we don't know. I may never get the answer to my why questions about Jonathan or Paul. I don't have to get the answer. I just have to continue to believe that my God is a God of love, and compassion.  When I cry over Jonathan or Paul, I know he's crying too.  The world is full of sin - that's not how God planned it to be.  But human desires took over and ... bang - sin!  Because of that, bad things happen to good people.  Because of that, we have death, sickness, disease, sin ...  I could hold a grudge against God for what has happened and is happening to our family.  But, what good would that do? How do you get back at God if you think he's done something wrong? If I walk away from him and don't stay in touch with him - who am I hurting? It's not like defriending someone on facebook or taking their number our of your phone.  Ignoring or walking away from God only ends up hurting me! I can't imagine my life without God.

So, in God's "big picture" plan, my little family has a definite place.  We don't know why we are here or what God's plan is, but I do know that we are to do our best to be the people God wants us to be - the people he created us to be.  People that love Him, and love others.  He doesn't expect us to not hurt over the things that happen in our lives, but he does want to be there to help us.  If I grieve, I KNOW he grieves too. That's somehow comforting to me. It's not like he's up there just playing with people's emotions. He does love all of us and wants our love in return.

random again

By the way ... I don't proof anything here. I'm justing typing as fast as my fingers can go and I don't go back and read or proof what I've written.  As it comes out of my heart and mind, it goes to my fingers and the computer keys.

The election was Saturday, and my friend was elected.  We didn't expect it to go any differently than it did.

This is what I put on facebook. Just summing up what's been happening.

As most of you know, my husband Paul had neck surgery over two years ago. Since then, he's had many complications and it has all left him on permanent disability. He was a pastor and had to give up his passion - what he loved to do. He was having what the Dr called epileptic non-convulsive seizures. Because of this, Paul wasn't able to drive. We've been asking God what Paul was supposed to do now. He's only 52 and wasn't ready to be done with ministry. He started with a migraine about 5 days ago and yesterday morning, he was having the seizure activity all morning. I called the neurologist and they wanted to see him yesterday afternoon. As Paul explained what happened during the seizures, the Dr said if Paul could remember what happened and explain it, then he didn't have a seizure! I said that's how all of them have been.  So, since September, the Dr said Paul shouldn't drive because of the seizure-like activity. Yesterday, he said unless Paul is blacking out, he can drive.  He's having migraine induced seizures - not epileptic non-convulsive seizures!! In the Dr's defense, Paul has mentioned a few times about not being sure if he passed out or what happened, but that he kind of "came to" and wasn't sure what had happened.  I told him if he didn't fall over, then he probably fell asleep. One thing he's been dealing with is extreme exhaustion. He very easily falls asleep, at any point.  So, when Paul tells the Dr he’s not sure if he blacked out, the Dr is thinking epileptic non-convulsive seizures.  Now that the Dr knows what’s really happening during the seizures, the type is changed.  The migraines he’s had the last few days are due to the wonderful Michigan weather and the stress of life as we know it today!  J 

This is a HUGE answer to prayer. Paul is able to drive and feel like he has more freedom and options for the future.  Please continue to pray that he will get stronger each day, that the migraines will decrease, and that we continue to seek God’s will for our lives.

Continuing

Work has been VERY busy, getting ready for a special sitting of conference on Saturday.  It's for the election of the new Superintendent. I think I'm having trouble with this because there have been SO many changes in our lives the last two years ...
Paul surgery - Feb 12, 2009
Ryan born!!  :) - March, 2009
Realizing Paul's physical, mental, and emotional limitations after surgery
Taking 1 month break from Sr. Pastor at church that turned into 6 months - June, 2009-December 2009
Realizing Paul would not be able to return as Sr. Pastor which had a trickle-down affect on many other things in our lives
Johnny born!! :) - October, 2010
Moved out of parsonage and into temporary housing - January, 2010
Sarah resigned - February, 2010
Purchased property - April, 2010
Purchased home - April, 2010
Sarah & Nathan re-aquainted
Sarah moves to Atlanta - May, 2010
Sarah & Nathan get engaged - July, 2010
MANY Dr appointments, tests, exams - ongoing
Moved into house December 4, 2010!! FINALLY
Nathan & Sarah wedding - Jan, 2011
Michigan reception - March, 2011

At some point in there, Social Security determined that Paul is permanently disabled.  This was a good news/bad news deal. We're glad they approved his application. We were told it could take up to two years, and within 6 months, they approved it. The bad news on this is it was kind of a slap in the face for Paul, to know that as things are right now, he won't be able to go back to work...doing the job he has LOVED for over 25 years ... doing the job he felt God directed him towards ... It's the thing he prepared for and has loved doing. Now he's in a state of "what do I do now?"

Back to the list of changes ... Dan, my boss and good friend, will be leaving in July. I think part of what is making it so hard is that he is a good friend. I have enjoyed working for him for 12 years! We have a great working relationship and have no issues. I'll be getting a new boss ... someone I've known for years and feel very comfortable with, but when there's change in personnel, other changes will take place too. I don't know what all that will mean, but things can't stay the same - they are two different people, so there's no way another person could step in and NOT have changes.

Paul spent the day Monday with a very good friend. One of the things the friend told us is that if he hadn't known Paul pre-surgery, he wouldn't know there was an issue. "We can't see the forest for the trees." We see Paul's progress every day and sometimes it feels like he's doing very well ... making 10 steps forward.  Other days, it seems like he takes 5 steps back and 1 step forward. There aren't many days when it feels like he didn't make any progress - I'm very thankful for that.

Sometimes I feel like I've lost my best friend in this mess. He's still the same person, but personality wise, there are differences. It took quite awhile for him to get his "gift" of sarcasism back...believe it or not, we were all really glad when it came back. That was one sure sign he was coming back. Sometimes as we talk, I know the thoughts are getting all jumbled up in his head and he can't get them out right. That frustrates him and as he gets frustrated, he starts to have trouble speaking clearly and gets more confused. I try to be patient and let him work it through, but the partner in me wants to help him finish his sentence, so he can stop struggling. I love him with all my heart and it absolutely kills me to see him going through this.

The Beginning

I'm doing this more for myself than anyone else. In fact, I almost hope no one else reads this. This is straight from my heart (hence the blog name).  I'm sure there are days when I'm going to be frustrated, sad, possibly angry...this is my "venting" spot.  I'm sure this is going to be pretty random, but that's ok. It's for me, from my heart anyway!

I don't know what to expect from this, but I'm hoping it will be a good therapy for me. I haven't had many places to freely talk through what's going on in our lives. I've always been a private person and have had a hard time sharing with others what's going on inside of me.  I was brought up never whining about my problems ... not because it wasn't allowed - we just didn't do that. I grew up with 3 brothers and 3 sisters in a very loving, Christian home. My parents are great - great examples of godly people, of godly parents, godly grandparents. They are my role models and I love them dearly! I'm the youngest of 4 girls and #5 out of 7 kids, so I'm the youngest and middle all at the same time!! We grew up being at church whenever the doors were open - we were one of the first ones there and one of the last ones to leave. I asked Jesus into my heart when I was very young and always have known that He loves me and is there for me.

Paul and I met when we were in 4th grade. He had a dream that we were going to get married and had his sister call me and see if I remembered him.  I didn't!  Oh well ... that didn't change the course of our future together.  The summer before our senior year in high school, we met again at Covenant Cove Camp - we were both counselors. We started dating each other that summer and were engaged the following summer. We were married in November of 1978 and we're still together!!  :)

Well, I need to stop for tonight. It's been an emotional day and I don't think I can take going into anything that's going to be emotional tonight!!!

God - I love you and want to serve you better than I have in the past! You're my strength, my comforter, my healer, my support, my everything. Help me to be worthy of You!